New

It’s not just every day you find out you have a brain tumor.  One moment you’re moving along with life not realizing the next moment will stop you in your tracks.

I’ve had a few moments like that over the past several months and they have had a funny kind of side effect.  See, when you think you might lose something that is really close to your heart, like your life or the life of someone you love, or a relationship you thought would always be there, you cease to take for granted what you have.  When the very core of who you are – your life, your marriage, your family, etc. is threatened, nothing else matters but to secure those precious treasures and to fight for what is rightfully yours.

I know this brain tumor wants to harm me in many ways.  Right now it’s threatening my vision by being all up in my optic nerve’s business.  It’s not a respect-your-distance- and-not-be-a-bother kind of a brain tumor.  It’s also all over my carotid artery and wants to mess with my life.

And honestly, most of my life I haven’t gone around worried about going blind or dying but now I’m thinking about it a bit more.  And it helps me focus on what life is all about – living IN those moments and appreciating a simple thing like sight.  Or my marriage.  Or the chance to live one more day on this earth.  And having those simple joys makes me really content and helps me see everything in kind of  a new light.  Don’t worry, I’m not getting all John Travolta on you and getting all smart and deep.  But I’m just saying, the brain tumor and my family’s recent struggles helps me appreciate what I do have moment by moment.

We took the kids to the zoo today.  We haven’t been there for over a year so it was pretty new for all of us.  But Judah was especially wide-eyed about the whole experience.  Every animal was a source of total joy and excitement and when we saw the baby Orangataun, he just about had a heart attack (Judah, that is, not the baby Orang, I don’t think the baby cared that we were there!).  And the cool thing was, so did I!  I found myself being able to see life through a 3 year old for just a second and experience the wonder and simple joy of just learning and discovering and enjoying.

Recently, I’ve been all about taking hikes in Fair Hill.  I’ve gone on a few hikes with some really great friends and I’ve just enjoyed the simplicity of walking and talking and not knowing or caring where we are going.  And I’ve been hiking and jogging with Rebekah there as well and it’s been so awesome to be together, feet moving one after another, taking in the honest conversation and beautiful sights and scents.

And I think to myself – life is not all about our stuff, or our goals, or even our dreams.  It’s about the treasures that are discovered each day.  It’s about holding on to those things that you call most precious to you – often times these are things you can count with just one hand.

And as I hug Rebekah or steal a kiss from one of my kids or get a sweet text from my Mom, I am trying to take it in and let it leave an imprint on my heart.  Cause I want those things to be what shap my heart – not the stupid things that I can get so caught up in and allow to consume me.  Each day is the chance to embrace the special that comes along or better yet, the special that is already with me.

And maybe we should all get brain tumors so we can appreciate life for what it really is – cause it’s really a thing of beauty once you get past all the pain.

A new song

So I’m really not very good at guitar.  It’s something, however, that I really enjoy playing and learning.  I just find it so totally freeing to pick up a guitar, strum a few chords, and just start emptying the contents of my heart.

The other night I was feeling overwhelmed, emotional, and so tired (which is pretty much all the time with this medication I am on!).  I had just finished a talk with Rebekah and was just feeling…burdened.  She had fallen asleep on the couch and so off I went, grabbed the guitar, and started just playing along.  Nothing special, mind you.  Actually a whole lot of my friends G,C,D,and Em.

But while I am playing, I just start to sing.  I sing about my fear, my pain, my needs, my hopes.  I sing and sing and play and play.  And before I know it, I start singing something that actually resembles a song.  I grab my iPhone and record the simple melody.  I play it and sing it and I start to dig it.  Simple.  Honest.  Good.

The next night I nervously share the simple little song with Rebekah and she likes it.  So we start working through the rest of the song and she comes up with a great catchy chorus and bam – we finished a song.  Together.  Something new.  Something us.  And the really cool thing about creating something new is that it’s exhilarating.  It gives you life.  It’s so much better than watching TV.

So hopefully we’ll get a simple little recording together and post right here.  Don’t expect much, but for me, it’s a lot.

Things I am learning…

So this is going to be a random thought type of post—here I go…

1.  Beauty. One of my very favorite sights are the silhouettes of far off winter trees in front of a blazing red-orange sunset.  There is just something so striking about those barren limbs reaching up to heaven outlined so starkly by the fiery red globe.  I happened to see this the other day while on a nice but exhausting jog/run (first time I have done anything active since starting my medication for the tumor) with Rebekah.

I love those moments in time when you realize how great and grand this world really is and how you only hope to play your part in adding to the beauty.  Oh and it didn’t hurt that while drinking this in, I was walking silently hand in hand with my best friend.

2. Madness.  We here at the Latshaw household do not really celebrate March Madness but another kind of madness has taken hold: our kids are in a musical for our church, “The Story of Esther.”  My sister Jessica is writing the music and she is doing a fabulous job.  And what I love about Jessica is that even though we are doing a kid’s musical, she is not dumbing it down.  And the funny thing is – when you challenge kids to rise to a new level, and you place a demand on their gifts – they really start believing they can do it.  She is co-directing it with me and we ran a vocal rehearsal the other day and it was so funny how professional (she did tour with a Broadway show!) and intense she was (not scary hit-you-with-a-ruler-intense but passionate-about-what-she-was-doing-and-s0-should-you kind of intense).  She was there to work and so were the kids!

Now I have my three daughters walking around singing all about Esther and Mordecai and even rapping—that’s right, there is a knock down, in your face rap in the opening number.  I think this is going to be one of the best things I’ve been part of in a long time.  Oh, and my soon-to-be-rich-and-famous-screenplay-writer brother has written the script and it’s pretty good.

3.  Surprise. Just when I feel like I am too overwhelmed or too exhausted or too burdened, God sends me a gift.  Maybe it’s a sweet text from a friend.  Maybe it’s a funny joke from my brother.  Maybe it’s a kiss from one of my kids.  Or maybe it’s even cold hard cash.  Whatever form it comes in, it’s welcomed.  I am amazed that when all you can really do is trust God  that He meets you in so many different ways.

4.  People.  Sometimes people—myself included—can do lots of stupid, hurtful stuff.  But sometimes people who you aren’t suspecting will surprise you with goodness.  My tax person, Robert, has always been just that to me—my tax guy.  But I actually had a conversation with him the other day and discovered a truly great man.  He’s travelled all over the world and his wife is from the Philippines so they spend a lot of time in Asia.  He talks about all the poverty he sees.  He says whenever he travels overseas, he brings lots of extra money.  This money is not used for gifts or going out to dinner.  He and his wife go to the local orphanages and poor houses and ask them what they need.  They get a long list of supplies, food, clothing, etc. and go out and fill up their truck.  Then they drop it off and wish them all well.  He says this is one of his favorite things to do in life.  As far as I know, Robert is not a Christian but he certainly knows a thing or two about love.

5. Guitar.  Yep, I’ve opened up my old guitar case and played it today.  I am so far from good but I had a lot of fun playing.  I even taught Charis a few chords cause she is dying to learn.  I think me and the guitar are going to be friends.

6. Sleep.  Time for it!

Judah

I seriously thought I had hung up the gloves after having our third daughter, Cosette.  My wife, Rebekah, was part of a family with three sisters and we thought that it was pretty cool that our daughters could have that experience.  And I was totally fine not having a boy.  Really, I was.  I know you don’t believe me, Jason, but I was happy and content.

I’ve always joked that all I had to do was look at Rebekah with desire and she would get pregnant.  Let’s just say each kid was a surprise, if you know what I mean.  So if we really wanted to be finished, there were probably some permanent steps I could have taken to seal the deal, but for some reason I dragged my feet (guys, can you blame me!?)

So one day, or rather night, a few years down the road after Cosi was born, Judah came onto the scene.  After the initial shock of being expecting again, we got pretty excited about welcoming a little girl into the world.  I mean, a little sister for Cosi, Selah, and Charis was going to be so special!

Old fashioned as we were, we never found out the sex of any of our kids AND Rebekah delivered each child naturally (quite impressive if you ask me!). We were just certain the baby was a girl.  We even had a name – Eden.

When Judah popped his head out from, er, you know where, and was placed right into the arms of his Mommy, I was still convinced he was a girl.  But then I saw IT and I knew – stunned, Rebekah and I were just cracking up and yelling, “We have a boy!”

And seriously, having Judah is one of the best things about my life.  But it’s not for all the reasons a Dad wants a boy.  Typically, a dad wants to teach his boy to play with trucks, to throw a ball, to rough house – you know “guy stuff.”  The funny thing is, having three older sisters that he adores has influenced the things he loves.

For instance, his favorite color is pink.  He loves it.  As a little toddler, he would always choose pink and want the girl’s pink stuff.  And pink equals princesses.  Yup.  His favorite is Sleeping Beauty.  The girls would play “Narnia” and guess who Judah would be?  Sleeping Beauty.  Oh no, it doesn’t stop there.  He loves what he calls “pretty things.”  Dresses, robes, scarves, nail polish, make-up, tutus, tights, leotards, two piece bathing suits – the list goes on and on.

One quick story:  A year ago Rebekah was home with the kids – one of those crazy days that got off to a late start and she couldn’t get caught up. The house was a disaster, she hadn’t showered and was dressed in her comfy clothes.  She was in the kitchen making lunch when she heard some commotion at the door.  Charis calls to her, “mom, there’s a cop here.”  Rebekah comes rushing in, her hair and clothes disheveled and sure enough there is a cop in the house.  He welcomed himself in!  “Ma’am, is there an emergency?” he asks.  Quickly glancing around, she sees a room exploding with toys, 3 girls in PJs at lunch time during a school day, and a little 3-year-old boy IN A DRESS.  “I think we’re alright,” she quickly responds.  Apparently some one from our house called 911 and he came to check it out.  He got more than he bargained for!

Of course, Judah does love to play monster, run around, play sports, and go crazy like little boys do.  But really, Judah is unique.  And I adore it.

So last Sunday night our church had a benefit concert.  One of the acts was my kids, their cousins, and their Uncle playing a Paramore song.  What I didn’t know was that Judah and Thea (his cousin) were going to get up and dance.  See, another thing Judah LOVES is dancing.  He loves to dance with his sisters and honestly, he is hilarious.  So imagine my shock to see him jump right up there and dance his heart out like he does in front of just his family – but only this time in front of the whole crowd.  They also did “party in the USA” and he got even more into it – shaking his hips like it was no ones business.  Anyway, I quickly grabbed my iPhone and recorded the first song they did.  Of course, I was really proud of the girls and their cousins and enjoyed the performance – but Judah STOLE the show.  It’s not the best quality but I hope you get a glimpse of this special little dude.

All will be revealed

I’ve been a pretty private guy in my life.  It’s funny cause my job stretches me to be extroverted but really I get my energy and life when I’m simply with my family and close friends.

I’ve always been a question asker too – I actually love to ask questions and love to listen to answers.  If you spend anytime with me at all, you’ll quickly find that out.  When I go to lunch with most people, it’s very typical that I will be finished my food while the other person will barely have touched their food cause they’ve talked so much from all the questions I’ve thrown their way. All this to say is that I like my space, and I don’t really share much about myself so often. I’d much rather be a listener than a sharer.  And I’ve been very comfortable this way.  Maybe that’s what happens when you’re a pastor’s kid and under the spotlight most of your life.

So that’s why I stand back and gaze at my life and realize with a shock that I am not that guy anymore.  I no longer hide behind my questions or exist mostly in my private life.  Recent events have propelled me like a clown out of a cannon into the public’s eye.  Relationship struggles, family issues, brain tumors have all conspired against me and my comfortable private lifestyle.

And here’s the funny thing: I’m kind of digging it.  See, I really don’t love being the center of people’s compassion or prayers.  I’m not crazy about the silent looks of pity that say “I’m thinking of you and your brain tumor.” I understand all these reactions to my life are so sweet and kind, but the attention makes me squirm.  So PLEASE keep on showing me concern and love but just know it’s a weird place to find myself in.

But what I am digging is the idea that I have no secrets.  It’s amazing how in a few swift months my life has gone from being incredibly private to everyone knowing what’s going on with me in an intimate way. And here is what I’ve learned:

1. People are generally really kind and have so much wisdom and knowledge to share.  I regret that I have not been more open to others sooner and allowed them to help me, teach me, and care for me.  By isolating myself, I’ve really missed out on a wealth of love and care that I could have enjoyed for many years.  But right now I am blown away by the goodness of humanity and especially those wonderful souls right here at my church.  I have a special church.

2. The idea of being “private” is really an illusion anyway. First off, God knows it all.  By maintaining a semblance of privacy, in some ways I felt like I was hiding it from God too.  But really, he sees into my inner thoughts (yikes!) and my hidden motives.  There are no secrets with him and it really does say that everything I say or do will be revealed one day.  So I might as well start living like I am an open book. If my transparency can help show people a better way to live or what NOT to do, then I’m winning in my life.  I do believe that you don’t want to share EVERYTHING with ANYONE but I think as a whole we Americans can be really private about the things that we most struggle with.  Things like finances, relationships, doubts, fears, depression, sex, etc.

We tend to hide away, ashamed to reveal it to others.  We’d rather suffer in silence and look good to everyone else than bring our ugliness into the light and get some much-needed help.  In some ways it feels like a big game – who can look like they are doing the best wins.  I’ve come to believe that we are all really broken – some in more obvious ways – but all are broken in need of fixing.  And sometimes the only way to get that fixing is by asking for help.

At least now that my life is an open book, I have the freedom to ask for help.  I don’t really care who sees my weakness or fear anymore, I just care more about getting that fixing.

Oh, and I’m kind of enjoying being the one getting asked the questions – like do your breasts lactate?

The first time…

Nope, I’m not going to talk to you about that first time.  Sorry.  I know there were rumors about that going around years ago – something to do with a dance of joy and raising my hands in a victory cheer and breaking a light bulb – but you’ll get nothing out of me.

And it’s amazing to me how few significant firsts I do remember in my life.  Like taking my first step.  Or my first word.  I had to ask my mom the other day what it was and she replied proudly, “mommy of course!”  I would think I would remember my first teaching taught or even my first worship song led, but I don’t. Or how about my first crush?  Nope.

“What about my first kiss,” you ask?  Well depends on your definition.  There was that girl Virginia who I met at a Group work camp who took me on a “make-out” walk at night.  I was terrified.  I was 13 years old, skinny and not very tall.  She was probably 15, almost double my size, and not very pretty.  But my friend Josh was dating her friend and that meant I got her.  Yay for me.  Anyway, we walk for a bit making awkward conversation and suddenly she grabs me, spins me around, and shoves her tongue down my throat with the grace of Andre the Giant.  What was a scared skinny kid to do?  I choked and spit her tongue right out of my mouth!  And then ran for safety.  I swore I could not and would not count that as my first kiss!  Do you agree?  My first kiss was with my girlfriend when I was 16 and it was everything that I thought kissing really should be – no choking, spitting, or running.  That kiss was with the love of my life, a pretty girl named Becky who I married and 12 years later I think I enjoy the kissing even more.

But the older you get, the less firsts you experience.  Or at least they don’t seem so momentous.  However, I got one that quite surprised me.  As most of you know, I have a brain tumor – freshly discovered.  We can talk about that later.  What I want to talk about is the visit to the brain surgeon.  So Rebekah and my mom come with me to this visit.  They have questions to ask and they want to be my support.  I am sitting there on the table, flanked by my mom and wife, and the doctor looks at me and asks,”So, have you been lactating from your breasts?  I mean, have you noticed any milk in that area?” Totally straight-faced like it’s a question he’s asked a million times.  Like it shouldn’t be something that makes me want to crack up inside or hide my face in shame.  Maintaining my cool, I respond like it’s a question I’ve been asked a million times, “No, should I?”

A few things stand out.  He asked me if I was lactating.  And he was serious.  Pretty weird first.  Then he asked if I was lactating from my breasts. Two firsts in one simple question.  I’ve never had my chest referred to as breasts before.  Ew.

The thing is, the tumor I have is making my prolactin hormone go hog wild.  Normal levels for this hormone in a guy are 10-15.  I’m at 5000.  HOG WILD.  Apparently I can’t get enough of the stuff.  And pretty much all its good for is producing breast milk – or in my case chest milk.  Too bad this didn’t happen when I could have been useful for our 4 kids!  Rebekah would have been the luckiest wife on earth!

So those were some pretty weird firsts to experience but ones worth noting.  So if you are curious, I went home and squeezed my breasts, er, chest and nothing came out.  Guess I’m not there quite yet.  That would truly be one unique first for a guy.  Let’s hope I never get there.

How about you – do you remember any firsts that stand out?

So about that thing called writing…

Yeah I think it will be good for me.  See, I think I have a lot to say.  And a lot I want to chronicle – from those random fun moments with one of my kids to really cool experiences I might have with God and everything in between.  And I have this problem – and I kind of like to blame on it on my recently discovered BRAIN TUMOR – but I tend to forget a lot about my past.  And I am surrounded by people who remember so much more than I do – like my sister Jessica (who remembers every detail of our childhood) and my sister-in-law and nemesis Mandy (I think I will have to devote a whole post to how she became my nemesis! But she remembers more about my kids as babies than I do.  It makes me disgusted) And I think that’s a darn shame because I’ve had a pretty fantastic life and I don’t just want it to go on down the memory drain like it never happened.

See, Jessica recently recommend the fantastic book A Thousand Miles in a Million Years by Don Miller and it really inspired me.  There was this one guy that Don met who literally wrote down every experience or memory he had – everyday.  By writing it down he was making sure all those great times and memories would stay alive.

I think that’s what I want to do.  I want to remember: my kids Charis, Selah, Cosi, and Judah.  My wife and best friend Rebekah.  My incredible family.  My friends.  My ups.  My downs.  My thoughts.  My dreams.  My hurts.  My joys. My stuff.  My valleys.  My peaks.  And funny stuff.  Funny stuff tends to be the theme that keeps all this stuff together.  If it wasn’t for funny stuff, I don’t know how I’d make it in the world.  Like tonight we were playing a fan favorite board game – Who-nu.  Judah plays along but doesn’t really understand the scoring or quite how the game works.  But he tries and he has fun.  Tonight, he came in last but instead of being sad like most people would be, he relished the fact that his name was called out last and did his patented little dance of victory around the room.  He celebrated like he got a 6 while he only got a 1.  It was seriously funny.

So that’s what I’m going to try to do.  Write it all down.  I’m not going to try to impress anyone with what I write.  If you enjoy, good for you.  If not, I don’t really care.  Someday I want to open up my 50-year-old blog and start reading from right here and get a pretty good glimpse of a life well lived AND remembered.